Storm

My God I am certainly going through some sort of storm! I keep running outside and taking pictures. I could just lie down and bury myself in the dirt and the sand and the sky. Refusing to get up until I was healed. Sometimes I want to do that as weird as it sounds. I feel very sick right now, blazing hot with the strongest internal fire, fighting CFIDS, which I have had for a long time. The symptoms of it are intense and severe, and there is nothing like it to plunge one deep into the underworld. Today I wrote and wrote and wrote in my journal. I stood outside and prayed some strange prayer to the wind. I felt myself connecting with nature in the most profound way. Who knows if this is making me crazy or making me sane. It is not a time of hearing what I want to become. It is a time of hearing what I feel. It is not a time of production, accomplishment and output. It is a time of deep inner reflection and doubt and work and struggle. It is not the time for having it all together, it is the time for falling apart. I am living in my own myth, going deep into death in order to face the dragons and come back with some new healing to offer. And in some ways, the death is also literal. I feel this illness trying to kill me everyday. I just don't feel like it's my time to go yet. I think CFIDS does this, it puts one through the unimagineable. It has put me on this path, and all I can do is give up control. The ego cannot ever accept these lessons. But it has no choice. So I surrender to this path and where it is taking me. I have suffered much. There is a fine line between having a breakdown and having a breakthrough. Sometimes we teeter on the edge. It is the courage to go to this place, that shapes me. I love life. I am full of hope and appreciation. I am also miserable in this illness. I know suffering beyond words, intimately. The sky is getting darker. I don't know what is next. I wait, and listen. "I'm not afraid of storms, for I'm learning how to sail my ship." Louisa May Alcott jo