"Let's make a memory." That's my new thing. Everyday I do something cool even if I feel like------- and I say, "I am making a memory. "

It makes you stop and slow down. It makes you focus on something good that you will remember. It's building a life that is more than struggle, more than the challenges we face...

Memories don't have to be big things, it's the little things. Just like the small details make the music great. It's not always the notes, it's how you play them. Sometimes one note can be played more beautifully by a pro than an entire piece by an amateur show off. Play that one note with all you've got, and it will sing.

If I don't consciously say, "I am making a memory," then I am left with the mess of feeling ill everyday and all that this brings with it. Then days become a blur of suffering. I am left with nothing more than the feeling that so much has been taken away from me. As Laura Hillenbrand wrote to me, "this illness is a thief, isn't it?" Perhaps that is why she wrote "Seabiscuit," and why I cried when I saw it.

But there is this hope inside, there is this persistence, what Erin Brokovitch calls "Stick-to-it-ive-ness." And look at what Seabiscuit did in spite of such handicaps!

Last week I was at the farmer's market in Westport CT, and I bought some vegetables from a stand. As I was leaving, I noticed a bunch of gorgeous sunflowers. It was such a beautiful warm summer day, and the colors were vibrant like a painting.

As I was about to leave, I asked the teenage boy working the stand about the flowers, and he said, "Oh those, here, you can just have them." He went over and grabbed the whole bunch, and gave them to me.

I told him, "Wow. You made my day."

Then I walked away with 5 giant sunflowers in hand and grocery bags overflowing with fresh organic produce and honey.

When someone does something nice for us, free, without any strings attached, it inspires us to "pay it forward." That small act put a smile on my face.

It was a memory.

I have felt so far away from what I would like to be doing- touring, recording etc etc and I often feel like I am on the sidelines of my life, trying to get well, to cure this thing, so I can get back in the the land of the living, again.

It seems like I am being forced to create a new type of life from the bench. So we take what we have, and work with it.

Create where you are. Bloom where you are planted. Let the rest go. Oh how I love to preach to myself.

I am not giving up.

So I sang Sarah my song. It felt so good. I was alive, and was affirming that in me!

I am sitting outside right now as I write this. Somehow writing is also a way to affirm life, for me. I feel less alone when I write. I am able to put things into words instead of just feelings, and that brings clarity.

Theoretically.

Today it is humid and sticky like chewing gum on the side of a hot car tire. Even the water is hot. But there is a breeze.

I feel totally totally wiped out right now. But happy to be alive and be here.

I made lemonade an hour ago. Since I am out of sugar literally and metaphorically, I used Agave Nectar. It's really good, even better than sugar. Just 1/4 of a lemon with 6 oz or so of water and a few tablespoons fo agave.

Who says you can't make lemonade without sugar? You see- we discover new possibilities, new roads, when the ones we had counted on, close. Yeah this one is unpaved and bumpy and full of scary bugs. But it's a road, and I am creating it. The scenery is raw and undeveloped. It' not a journey for anyone but the strong willed. No one else could survive it.

So I sit here in the 90 degree humidity, in the shade drinking my "alternative" lemonade, and I smile.

It's a memory.

Maybe I am crazy. Or else courageous enough to do something totally different. I'm not sure which it is. I've been singing all day today- this new tune- where I am basically banging on the table to create a groove, singing acappella, recording a zillion harmonies into my garage band. Sounds scary, I know.

It's called "Rockin You" and it's a pop R&B vibe- completely light and fun and totally different from what I usually do. I am laughing right now. I LOVE THIS TUNE! It makes me feel happy.

It's not the usual for me, musically. What's it about? Oh- Sex. Phone sex. Wanting to be with someone BAD. Being with them. Love. Lust. Fantasy. Take your pick.

How fun to write classical music one minute, pop, rock, country the next. If somebody had to know who I was by the music I write, they would be very confused. Unless they know me, then they would just say, Oh yeah, Jo writes everything. I like things being different. Like a "farmhouse" I looked at in Westport the other day. So unusual, owned by artists. There were two staircases with different upstairs areas that didn't even connect to each other. The downstairs made no sense, but was cool and charming, it just was laid out very uniquely. There was a humor about it, as if to say, you never know what life will bring.

I remember when I did a photo shoot several years ago. The makeup artist and photographer went nuts. They loved it, because they said I am one of those people who can have so many drastically different looks. It's true. It all depends on the makeup and hair. And other factors such as weight, lighting, clothing. Some people don't look all that different. I can look REALLY different. I look through my photos from the last 7 years, and I can't believe it was even me in some of them. There is one when I had short hair. Bleached out. I was wearing a very sparkly shirt. I was so skinny too! God I would love to have that weight again. I will I will!

Photography and fashion can be really fun, when you can create many different looks. I think music is like that too. So diverse. I love variety. It keeps life interesting. A little of this, a little of that. Serious. Deep. Dark. Playful. Sexy. Somber. Moody. Intellectual. We all have so many sides to us.

This has nothing to do with anything I just wrote, but there is a giant moth flying around my house. I just heard it again. It landed in my hair earlier today, and I screamed. Flicked it off. When my husband got home tonite, I told him GET IT GET IT!!!! He said, "Can't we all get along?"

Another thing happened this week. I lost my $1000 dollar camera. And I have no idea where or how. Bummed is not even close to what I feel! I still have my Kodak digital, but it doesn't compare to my Canon. It's out there somewhere. Somebody has it....

Who knows what tomorrow will bring.

The world keeps turning. Speaking of the world turning and other things space related, isn't there something happening soon...? A meteor shower August 12, I think Sunday evening late....?

j o

"What can we gain by sailing to the moon if we are not able to cross the abyss that separates us from ourselves? This is the most important of all voyages of discovery, and without it, all of the rest are not only useless, but disastrous..." - Thomas Merton

I ate a tray of baked beans, a piece of chocolate cake, and a sock. Why is it that I do the thing I don't wish to do, and I don't do the thing I wish to do? It's simply exhausting being human!

I have been awake for hours

with this flu and intense fatigue

that is not really the flu

it is far worse

and makes the flu look like

a beautiful sunday afternoon in the

park *******************

The fatigue woke me up last night and kept me in misery for hours

It wasn't so much tapping on my door or knocking on my door

It barreled through without asking and knocked the whole door down while it was screaming

Everything went crashing to the ground

It tied me up in the corner and left me there while it ramsacked my whole house

broke everything and then took my most prized possession

Me.

******************** If she was a plane She'd fly right outta here

Out of this storm and through these clouds into another

land

She'd soar and spread her wings and pick any

spot on the map she

liked

And she would be

free -

if she was a plane. **********************

Today was a nice day. My friend Brianna came out from the city. We hung out and talked a few hours, sat on the dock with our feet on the water. Sat on the beach, too. She came at high tide, which is my favorite time.

I always feel inspired creatively when I am around her, and I don't know why. I just do. Thanks Bri!

Tonite I picked a "Healing with Angels" card from Doreen Virtue's Deck.

Sometimes I randomly pull out cards for fun. I think most of them could apply at any moment.

Tonite my card is; TRUTH & INTEGRITY. This is a great one. And I was thinking about this very subject last night when I sitting way out on the rocks over the water. Regarding this card, the booklet says-

"You are guided to be very honest with yourself and to be true to yourself in all of your activities and actions. The angels say to you, let go of anything inauthentic and all activities that do not mirror your highest intentions for yourself. If something in your life isn't working, be willing to release it to God and the angels. When we open our hands and release unhealthful situations, the Divine light can enter. Miracles always follow when we surrender troubling conditions......." etc etc etc

Nice card. Beside releasing situations to God, I have also found chocolate to be a big help. hahahaha

Ok I am being sarcastic, but hey I am also being truthful!!!

Gotta laugh sometimes...

I do love this card.

What do you think of Beauty Pageants??????

I am not a fan of beauty pageants.

I was in one one time when I was barely 18. I had never been in a pageant before or been around anyone who did them. I cannot remember now how it came about. A designer in town hooked me up with a free dress. I think I was hoping to get some money for college. What I do remember, is how all the girls in it were so rehearsed and practiced. The smiles were painted on, and the things that were expected were obvious. There was a very defined way to look and talk and answer questions. I also remember it being very political. Before the pageant even began, it was sort of assumed that a certain redhead was going to win. She had been on the circuit a few years already and was totally prepped. I remember one of the judges saying about me- "If that little girl keeps going, she could win a future one."

The bathing suit thing was hysterical and totally embarassing. How was I suppose to know that girls taped everything up from here to the sun and shaved everything along with it? It was sort of humiliating walking out in high heels even in a one piece suit. If it had been a bodybuilding competition, I would have totally understood. But this wasn't. I still think this category should be gone! Well, I came in 4th I think it was. I vowed never to get involved in that scene again, because it scared me!

So I wondered, what do you think of this whole thing about Miss South Carolina Teen becoming a YouTube sensation?

At first I laughed and was totally shocked. Then I also felt so sorry for her. Thought to myself - how many times I have done or said stupid things. Ok, maybe not quite like that, but then my every moment has not been on camera. Her answer was painful. Ugh.

Ok REALLY painful.

There are some political things that one could ask me on the spot, and I would sound like an absolute idiot. Am I dumb? Or course not. It's just that there are things I know about, and things I don't.

One time I was walking through times square and got stopped by a news team. Because it came out of nowhere, and I wasn't expecting it, I totally froze. I had no idea what question they were going to ask me, my heart was pounding, and I was worried about looking and sounding stupid. My reaction really surprised me.

It turned out that they asked me something about the Oscars coming up, and if I thought there was too much emphasis on the actresses and their dresses. (YES I think it is a ridiculous scene). But I had NO IDEA the Oscars were coming up. I had not been paying attention and frankly, didn't care. I gave some answer that I have forgotten. But it wasn't my best moment, and it showed me how any of us can freeze when put on the spot.

The video clip from this pageant has attracted nearly 3.5 million views in only three days.

Here was the question:

Recent polls have shown a fifth of Americans can't locate the U.S. on a world map. Why do you think this is?

Her answer: "I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, um, some people out there in our nation don't have maps and, uh, I believe that our, uh, education like such as, uh, South Africa and, uh, the Iraq and everywhere like such as, and I believe that they should, uh, our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S., uh, should help South Africa and should help Iraq and the Asian countries, so we will be able to build up our future."

------- Oh my....